I Am Better Than This, and That is Why You Should Vote For Me


“I Am the Universe Resounding With the Joyful Cry, ‘I Am!’ 2017. Acrylic on panel, 11 x 14″

A while back a friend of mine mentioned that all politicians play the “Christianity” card to get elected. Although there is no requirement, most opt to vocally express their love for the Prince of Peace, if never having met him, even in dreams. Few voters, myself included, ever give thought to this imbecility. We’re the only industrialized nation to administer this flawed litmus test on prospective legislators.

Then I read findings in a recent poll that suggest nearly 40% of Americans believe Jesus Christ will return by 2050 to set the world right in his bathrobe, so why bother about nuclear proliferation, climate change, or anything really? Happy Jesus is on his way from heaven to slay us all! Likewise, WRVO, the local public radio station that won’t report about my campaign, ran a human interest story last month on a terrified local minister of violence and death who encourages his flock to be locked and loaded during church service. There are 20 or so pretend Christians up the road just itchin’ to kill every Sunday morning.

Although not a card carrying member of the Jesus cult, ironically I behave more like its Grand Pooh-bah on my best days. That is, I preach in a modern cyber-market, loathe the money lenders, and have married a non-virgin because it’s fun.

Maybe in 70 years some psychotic military man will have an epiphany on a federal highway, and thereafter write letters of his conversion and new faith in me to Baltimoronians and Chicagithians.

So, although not a professed Christian, I feel to be a sort of modern scholar on the state of Christianity. I have determined through much observation and research that, frankly, there is none. That’s right. There is no Christianity on earth, if there ever was. Christians do not kill. They do not amass fortunes no matter how small. I have imagined the prophet Jesus to be one of the least forgiving people ever to walk the earth—That lie of peace, love, and understanding was made up at story time, in caves, in order to seek revenge on the Roman killers when the time was right, and not feel so guilty about pulling the blade from the vital organ pierced. Written stories about pacifism, in order to get the more docile mothers on your side, then a wild claim of instant forgiveness from a throned savior while your ass stink generals order the carpet bombing of whole populations into dust.

I am not a Christian. John Katko (NY-24) is not a Christian. Yet I am closer to it, as he is further from it. People don’t get to claim they are Christian and then do unChristian things. I know so, for I am closer to God. Not the United States Christian god. That one is a yucky smiter. I follow the god of conscience. Like Jesus did before the liars got elected to Congress.

Here is the oath of office for elected representatives to the House and Senate:

The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States.

— U.S. Constitution, Article VI, clause 3

As your Congressman, I promise never to sanction the death of a single human being. I’ll try my darnedest to love enemies. And I shall attack the money lenders in the marketplace at every opportunity. Keeping in place all the people’s limbs in the world will be my first priority. I have it on good counsel that Jesus isn’t coming back before Miami is underwater.`

Therefore, if you’re a Christian, please vote for me. I’m your guy. If you’re a fake Christian, like every politician witnessed who claims to be a Jesus-lover, then you, like him or her, can go to hell.